Misconceptions
They spoke enough for long and hard about all sorts of things the good the bad the super evil, I heard understood accepted blindly n followed. I believed in them till my mind started questioning asking pondering and contemplating. It asked questions as a living entity posing bouncers of its own shaking the supposed firm foundations of beliefs already deep rooted and the unquestioned.
I was then called a weirdo a non-believer and an athesist. I again agreed with all they said but this time i questioned the motive and the consequences. For this I was again called a materialistic person with selfish motives and with satan in me. I still persued in my quest of questioning. Il learnt to take the closed doors as well as the hard bumps. After all noone said the jouney would be a smooth one. And then i started questioning my own idealls and beliefs whether I was right or wrong? whether my virtues were truely worth preserving or not? I could not comprehend the idea of tasking the vast knowledge of logic against the barrier based on faith and moral principles. I could not find my answers.
And all this while they kept accusing me of breaking my faith of being put in penury and beyond hell for my misdeeds. I didn't care though. I wanted to satisfy my curiosity more than anything else. I tried to adher to my own said principles and values. But the entity againg questioned the basis of these value systems and thier origins. I found that i could not challenge them. They originated to long before time. I could face this upheavel task of changing them. All this time i was being branded as a hypocrite for strying away from the path i had been sworn not to stry and trying to be lead back there. THey held me via the noose and strectehed me too far.
And finally it happened.. THe rope had been stretched too far the string broke free. Iwas free. I had found freedom in from their antiquated values and thoughts. I could think now. My mind didn't search answers anymore. Infact I didn't need it anymore. I had achieved the power of accepting things. Sermons, values, ideals didn't hold me anymore. Even my ideals had changed, they were more realistic and approachable now. THough abstract my though line went i stilll didnt care. I had achieved nirvana, I had won the batle over myslef or i believed.....
But my thoughts still rankled with unanswered questions, They buzzed in my head searching unfindable answers. While the world continued to bombard me with names and titles though i cared less now. Yet among the "they" entered those who had known me and loved me. THey asked my to change back into something i hd long since surpassed to be. They termed my a hypocrite for letting og of my own morals. I wondered if they really had meant it or were they the real hypocrites who couldn't accpet me the way i could be...
I still am seeking the answers and wandering in search of it and yet the thirst has gone leaving me just another soul groping fo answers in the dark or probably light.
never mind i like it this way [:P]
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Intangible THoughts
She looked at the knife gleaming in its silvery light, just like an elf in the mystic moonlight of the midsummernight. THe only thought that ran in her cranuel veratibrium was the supposed pain on body during death. death waiting to sheath its unclean unsavory claws into pure white skin aand lay to waste those hours of scrubbing and rearing. Spreading of blood on those snowlike hands from far from desirable to her even in deat, but certain tasks had to be fulfilled, certain duties had to be taken responsibility of.
The major question of how to fulfilkl dem buzzed in hewr head.. none of the conventional ways seemed very viable or "cool" enough to follow. THen sprang a thot in her temporal lobe, grey cells put on theeir thinking cap and the great rusted wheels whirred into motion This death had to be Spectacular it couldn't be like anything ever seen or heard in normal news.... even in the death there had to be immortality.....For only immortality would wipe of the stain and revive her into the eing of her choice, only that would give satisfaction to the inconcievable longing in her pitiless soul.... The could not be rectified and the future was not acceptable to her.
She sat still for quite some time Out the window the birds sang and boys whistled. Inside time stood still silence cut the air making noise and disturbing her. Yes the past could not be rectified and the future lay pale ahead only dath would solve the agony....THere could be no more spectular ways that could gurantee her the satisfaction of a perfect death. Nothing more fatal and the stainless steel glinting its edges and thus spoke her conscience angry and tormented at the world at large, or was it at her...It spoke as a seperate identity of its own reminding her of the fatal night... Then too the kife had been glinting albeit with chocolate dripping off its surface and yet it had not shone its true colours. TOday the vividity with which she saw it puzzled her, probably had observed it too-the vividity in its patterns and hedges on the edge... wait hadn't he felt it, the pain sorrow and helplessness.
And yet she had been a woodpecker hammering away to glory at the stubborn tree. THe agony of the tree unfelt and unmoved by it. But of the deeds committed and the actions done... What of it? asked her seperate entity... No deed was too powerful or grave as to be stabbed at, and no person was that important to be killed for. Snd yet it had been done, the THought greviously haunted her the gruesome sight of blood spilt like water and splashed over the wall like sum amatuer artists fisrt impression if the world, it still filled her to horrer and rage at the world for making her do it at him for being the cause and at herself for being the effect....
She awoke from her stupor (itwas never sleep since that day) by the buzzing of the door bell She had to do it now else it would be too late, They would know that she had done it, the evidence was against her everywhere and yet they could not find it till date, they had not even implicated her but her sould had died. THe fading laughter in his eyes had more than anything but killed her. Now she was a mere existence. Again she glanced at the silver sheathed weapon the fading sun casting its last rays on its silver designs.... Her life like them was carved by an unknown entity and yet not touched by it or graced by its presence.
THe moment had arrived, the madness in her head refused to subside refued to let her live she had to die Only its outcome wouldsatisfy thepain longing and heal it completely. Courage seemed to have deserted her anf strenght faded from her supple legs. She dragged the knife towards her and...... plunged it thriugh her forever imparing her stomach and liver. The cruel metal piecered her like a sword cutting a still night's air. THe blinding pain began subsided and re-began. Her own water played a game of hide and seek with her gorming shadows all over.
YES YES Probably this was the pain he had felt when she killed him HER BROTHER but she had suffered through much greater pain in those hours of agony bearing him having him and trying to hate him... Had she succeeded by the end to hate him for his actions for having her never walk outside the cage he had built for her?No she thought, she had not inspite of all said and done she still loved him still had wanted him to live still believed in him...... The drips of her blood now sounded fainter and there was the sun playing havoc on her senses becomming brighter and closer by every second.
THis is what death feels like to all those alive and waiting awaiting I tel you I know it coz I have been reborn and thats what makes it all worth while Life and nothing more just that......
." THe past is intangible in our thoughts and the future hazy in our eyes, Damn it still didnt change" came the dim thought in the impeding darkness..............
Swati D'souza
She looked at the knife gleaming in its silvery light, just like an elf in the mystic moonlight of the midsummernight. THe only thought that ran in her cranuel veratibrium was the supposed pain on body during death. death waiting to sheath its unclean unsavory claws into pure white skin aand lay to waste those hours of scrubbing and rearing. Spreading of blood on those snowlike hands from far from desirable to her even in deat, but certain tasks had to be fulfilled, certain duties had to be taken responsibility of.
The major question of how to fulfilkl dem buzzed in hewr head.. none of the conventional ways seemed very viable or "cool" enough to follow. THen sprang a thot in her temporal lobe, grey cells put on theeir thinking cap and the great rusted wheels whirred into motion This death had to be Spectacular it couldn't be like anything ever seen or heard in normal news.... even in the death there had to be immortality.....For only immortality would wipe of the stain and revive her into the eing of her choice, only that would give satisfaction to the inconcievable longing in her pitiless soul.... The could not be rectified and the future was not acceptable to her.
She sat still for quite some time Out the window the birds sang and boys whistled. Inside time stood still silence cut the air making noise and disturbing her. Yes the past could not be rectified and the future lay pale ahead only dath would solve the agony....THere could be no more spectular ways that could gurantee her the satisfaction of a perfect death. Nothing more fatal and the stainless steel glinting its edges and thus spoke her conscience angry and tormented at the world at large, or was it at her...It spoke as a seperate identity of its own reminding her of the fatal night... Then too the kife had been glinting albeit with chocolate dripping off its surface and yet it had not shone its true colours. TOday the vividity with which she saw it puzzled her, probably had observed it too-the vividity in its patterns and hedges on the edge... wait hadn't he felt it, the pain sorrow and helplessness.
And yet she had been a woodpecker hammering away to glory at the stubborn tree. THe agony of the tree unfelt and unmoved by it. But of the deeds committed and the actions done... What of it? asked her seperate entity... No deed was too powerful or grave as to be stabbed at, and no person was that important to be killed for. Snd yet it had been done, the THought greviously haunted her the gruesome sight of blood spilt like water and splashed over the wall like sum amatuer artists fisrt impression if the world, it still filled her to horrer and rage at the world for making her do it at him for being the cause and at herself for being the effect....
She awoke from her stupor (itwas never sleep since that day) by the buzzing of the door bell She had to do it now else it would be too late, They would know that she had done it, the evidence was against her everywhere and yet they could not find it till date, they had not even implicated her but her sould had died. THe fading laughter in his eyes had more than anything but killed her. Now she was a mere existence. Again she glanced at the silver sheathed weapon the fading sun casting its last rays on its silver designs.... Her life like them was carved by an unknown entity and yet not touched by it or graced by its presence.
THe moment had arrived, the madness in her head refused to subside refued to let her live she had to die Only its outcome wouldsatisfy thepain longing and heal it completely. Courage seemed to have deserted her anf strenght faded from her supple legs. She dragged the knife towards her and...... plunged it thriugh her forever imparing her stomach and liver. The cruel metal piecered her like a sword cutting a still night's air. THe blinding pain began subsided and re-began. Her own water played a game of hide and seek with her gorming shadows all over.
YES YES Probably this was the pain he had felt when she killed him HER BROTHER but she had suffered through much greater pain in those hours of agony bearing him having him and trying to hate him... Had she succeeded by the end to hate him for his actions for having her never walk outside the cage he had built for her?No she thought, she had not inspite of all said and done she still loved him still had wanted him to live still believed in him...... The drips of her blood now sounded fainter and there was the sun playing havoc on her senses becomming brighter and closer by every second.
THis is what death feels like to all those alive and waiting awaiting I tel you I know it coz I have been reborn and thats what makes it all worth while Life and nothing more just that......
." THe past is intangible in our thoughts and the future hazy in our eyes, Damn it still didnt change" came the dim thought in the impeding darkness..............
Swati D'souza
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Got bored all day.....finally finished 1984 stil understanding d book........d true meaning evades me started wid Catch-22..pretty hilarious in d beginninng..lets c let me delve in a little more...hmmm got bored to write nething serious or for dat matter nething..... spoke to many ppl today....ws irriitated wid vidya v sort of fought..... sej cald up 4 protion den patched matters wid vidya... ann cald many times 4 history m damn bored b goin to vid's farm house moro.... i feel lethargic apathic abt everything dunno kno y.........
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Lost Paradise
Thunder yells, lightening answers
the earth cracks up laughing,
the mountain groans
under its own weight.
The Thunder agains yells this time swearing,
the clouds return the call this time,
opening up their wings,
the cranes soars the ghastly blue sky,
Singing in lust and admiration
The earth responds to this quail,
Opens her thirsty womb to this unquenable lust,
Satisfies the hunger and greed of those who feed on her,
those puny mortals who yeild to her every whim to gain salvation.
Eons pass, the thunder still yells,
Lightening still answers,
The earth no longer cracks laughing
the mountains seem subdued by the monsters that it once towered over.
THe thunder is still awaiting an answer,
but the clouds cower away,
In search of friendlier lands
of want and need,of greed and lust.
The womb needs no satisfaction,
THe thirst that has become a myrid Desert,
the puny mortals rule the yellow aging spreading sand,
While the Crane searches soaring the skies
Searching for a paradise that was lost
never to be regained,
while the thunder still awaits for a response
to its might,
While the Earth bows down her head
to the mortals who now rule her.....
Thunder yells, lightening answers
the earth cracks up laughing,
the mountain groans
under its own weight.
The Thunder agains yells this time swearing,
the clouds return the call this time,
opening up their wings,
the cranes soars the ghastly blue sky,
Singing in lust and admiration
The earth responds to this quail,
Opens her thirsty womb to this unquenable lust,
Satisfies the hunger and greed of those who feed on her,
those puny mortals who yeild to her every whim to gain salvation.
Eons pass, the thunder still yells,
Lightening still answers,
The earth no longer cracks laughing
the mountains seem subdued by the monsters that it once towered over.
THe thunder is still awaiting an answer,
but the clouds cower away,
In search of friendlier lands
of want and need,of greed and lust.
The womb needs no satisfaction,
THe thirst that has become a myrid Desert,
the puny mortals rule the yellow aging spreading sand,
While the Crane searches soaring the skies
Searching for a paradise that was lost
never to be regained,
while the thunder still awaits for a response
to its might,
While the Earth bows down her head
to the mortals who now rule her.....
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